Here We Go Again
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: The title of this blog revisited
Topic: Companionship
I amaze myself. Really. I understand how deep my feelings for Beth are when I picture holding her and kissing her again. On that note I really need to be careful. In this entry I am going to warn myself and tell myself not to stand naked again. Don't be a trusting ignoramus. Don't hang your life again on small peep holes of hope. Nothing has changed in Beth's world. She is still married. She is still committed to her marriage so long as Chuck is willing to stay married. She is still so incredibly huggable and kissable....wait...that's not the path I'm going down right now. She still has resentment for mistakes I made. She still has deep seeded anger towards my ex. She still wants to protect her children. Nothing has changed. I know I love her and I know she loves me...but that wasn't enough before and I have no reason to believe that it will be enough again. Do not stand naked Andre...protect yourself...I'm begging you!!! You were doing really well...don't go backwards. Until something changes maintain the code of silence that helped you get where you are now!!! When I picked up my tools we had an interesting conversation about love...when it comes to loving Beth I will always be naked...figuritively speaking. This has been a truly humbling experience for Beth and I, and people...I'm sure...are revelling in the fact that they were right. It was just a fling. Like two teenagers in heat. I wish we had the chance to prove them wrong. It's so much more than that.

Slow Day
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Just Thoughts
Haven't written any words in quite some time. Hopefully Beth is doing well and her family is in good spirits. I sent Beth's Mom some flowers for her birthday...I'm not sure if she recieved them or not. Beth's parents were very supportive of us. I think as Beth's steadfast determination waned they may have had some reservations, but I know they will always support her in the decisions she makes. That's a great feeling to have that family support....I think. Things are going really well with work. We are getting the Infiniti franchise to add to Mercedes and I will be the full time finance person in one or the other. All that means is the income that I had anticipated coming into this position should start to materialize. Right now I'm comfortable....but....I could be more comfortable! Porsche is also on the horizon. Well enough work related stuff. Beth is always on my mind and I pray she is doing the right thing for herself in the long run. I think she is. Take care and have a great day!

Think About It
Mood:  bright
Now Playing: Look What I Have
Topic: Life
As I go through this time and read some of the words I've written I tried to rationalize everything that I had given up for Beth. Smack! Look what I have! Great friends I've always had, two beautiful healthy girls, personal health, a positive outlook on life, faith, a loving family, a good heart, humility, kindness and respect. Not to mention an ex-wife who has been incredibly strong through the worst time in her life, ALWAYS putting our daughters first. Life is awesome and I'm thankful for everything I have. I'm not sorry or sad for what I don't. I have more than 99.9% of the people in this world when you factor in the important things, and I thank God for everything I have in my life.

Crazy
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: What Were You Thinking?
Topic: Light Hearted
Haven't blogged in a while. Haven't needed to. Life is good.

Sweetest Day
Mood:  sad
Now Playing: What a Beautiful Day
Topic: Bears
As I look outside on this beautiful day I'm reminded of great times we had and wish I could be with Beth. All I can do is wish her a happy Sweetest Day and hope she is doing well. I miss you and I hope you like the bear.

Dreams
Mood:  lucky
Now Playing: Another Hard Day
Topic: Life
Hello again. I had a dream last night about Beth, but I don't want to talk about it. Saturday is Sweetest Day but I have no sweetest. Well I do, but the reciprocation isn't there. Days are getting better, but right now I wish the gift stores and flower shops had never invented Sweetest Day. It will be just another hard day to not think about Beth. The Browns play on Sunday. I'll just focus on football. I'm in an interesting place right now. It's hard to desribe.

Forgot the Year
Mood:  happy
Now Playing: I Made a Mistake
Topic: Waiting
I meant November 15, 2006. I forgot to put the year in there. I'm looking to purchase another rental in Kent. I looked at it last night and it was in good shape. I have five college kids that have committed to renting it for next year so we'll see. Megan and I had a good time doing her math homework. She's starting to understand that she's in 8th grade and has to put alot more work into school. Hope all is well.

Holidays and the Winter Season
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: Who Will Keep Me Warm?
Topic: Companionship
I've always been loved during the great times in life. You know, the holidays. Family gatherings, sharing time with loved ones. Eating then going downstairs to watch TV while everyone else is being social upstairs. Wait that's not me...I was confused for a second. Playing guitar, having pleasant conversation, very relaxed, no tension...the whole bit. Not this year. Dad is in Michigan again. My Mom and Brother are in Florida. My friends will be with family and the woman that I love will be with her family and soul mate and his parents. At least that has to be my perception. The fairy tale is fading...my hope is dimming...optimism and faith in something you believe in is for dreamers. So...I'm left with deciding on who will be the lucky girl that gets to spend the holidays with me? There are a couple who would be easy pickings that have been on my tail so to speak, but once you have experienced the kind of chemistry I have experienced it's hard to imagine that with another person. And who will I take to Ocean Reef? Ocean reef is where the dealership is going once we reach our goals and we get to bring a guest. I'll work on it staring November 15th. That will give me enough time to know Beth is truly done with me and still find someone for the holidays. It won't be the same, but I have to move on. Or should I wait? I'm sure I'll find that magical clarity that we all find.

I Wonder
Mood:  quizzical
Now Playing: The First Time
Topic: Intimacy
My mind has not totally let me off the hook, but at least now it's more entertaining. I wonder what the first time will be like....you know....the first time. Beth's and mine. Mine will be weird because I will still be in love with Beth so it probably won't even happen. And Beth's? Can you imagine being Chuck? Holy Cow! Unless there has been extreme dishonesty it will be wicked weird. Or who knows...maybe it will be hot and steamy...a grand reunion of kindred spirits and souls. Just some thoughts I was having. But that isn't important in a long term relationship...is it. Only the short term ones.

Life
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: The Competitive Side Fades
Funny thing is happening. I'm running out of emotions to express on these pages. This has been good therapy. Beth always said that people need people to talk to, to work things out and get to a better place. Typing my thoughts down and expressing myself this way has been very entertaining and helpful. I have always trusted in myself and my common sense. Sense...making sense of all of this has been very difficult, but it is starting to make sense. Beth and I used to have conversations about how our feelings could never change and we would be able to work through anything. We would be able to, because at the core of our relationship was love. As long as you can dig down to the roots and find love then we would make it through, no matter how big the obstacle. One of the small battles that Beth and I had was..."I love you more", "Nope, impossible, I love you more", "No, I love you way more!". Or.."I love you"..."I love you more"..."I love you most"..."I love you mostest"..."I love you mostesterer"..I knew I loved you the mostest Beth! All joking aside, I admit since I returned from Florida I was changing inside. There wasn't that sense of excitement from Beth that I had anticipated with my triumphant return to Ohio! As a result I was becoming a defensive person. Instead of listening to Beth I was looking for a chance to give myself a plug as to why we should be together!!! I felt like I had to defend us and myself and shoot down other factors in her life. Kids? They'll be OK (they would have been). Chuck? He'll move on...why do you talk to him so much and go to a marriage counselor with him? (must be a damn good one)! Church? Father Damian wants in your pants (man...what a jerk I was). Valentino? He's already been unfaithful...don't trust him (he was also the person who used extensive theatrics in describing the way Chuck was mad and acting like a jerk...I believe he is part old lady...loves the drama). I needed to be more supportive and truly listen. I started feeling more and more like I had to justify us, defend myself, it was making me a different person. When the love was mutual it was great. When I didn't see and feel that steadfast determination from Beth that had gotten us this far...I wasn't myself anymore. Our love gave me security and if that was fading than I was naked. Hang on...I just want to take a moment and picture Beth naked....................OK. Back to the thoughts. Like a cornered animal who feels vulnerable...my reaction was not always positive even though I tried to keep the faith. Wish I could do it all over. Be stronger. Be a better listener. Give Beth her space. I just loved being with her too much. I didn't want to not see her, not talk to her, not be initmate with her. I feared Chuck's power of influence over Beth if we were to not talk and he could gain control again. Well I guess I did have more thoughts to type on this page. I hope all is well. Take care AET.